Trader Joe's Soy Cheese Blend

Trader Joe's Soy Cheese Blend is NOT vegan! It has casein (milk protein) in it. so... thanks for deceiving us and losing the faith and trust of vegans everywhere, Trader Joes!! You're done for! Just kidding, i'll be back for those soy dreamy ice cream sandwiches next week. But really, what's the point in making soy cheese with dairy product in it?

PROS              CONS

melts                has milk protein
                         not vegan

VERDICT: Unless you want cow's milk all up in your vegan cheese, then don't eat this product.

Daiya Frozen Pizza

Frozen vegan pizza options?! Yeah!!! oh wait, but is it good? Nope! well...almost, but no. 

Okay, This is the closest to almost decent pre-made vegan pizza that i have found. It doesn't taste terrible, it's just that the cheese ruins it for me. It doesn't quite melt. The cheese just sits warmly on top of the pizza. Kinda gross really. 

PROS                                CONS

tastes pretty good              cheese doesn't melt

good personal size            small for price

easy to make                    expensive at almost $10 a piece

four flavor options

VERDICT: I would eat this again if I were really hungry and lazy. I'm waiting for a better option but it doesn't exist yet. So maybe try it, or don't, you aren't missing out here.

Quorn Sausage Links

Being a woman of the south, I love "Pigs in a Blanket". That's sausage links cooked in a biscuit or croissant. So in my attempts to get away from Boca's soy-based (but delicious) sausage links, I thought I would venture out and try Quorn's sausage links. Since I love all their other products I had high hopes for this one too. Too bad it's like eating rubbery lincoln logs. 

PROS                                CONS

looks like sausage links    tastes like rubbery lincoln logs

good size                           poor taste

                                          gross texture

                                          They get hard and inedible when cooked

VERDICT: Although I'm a big fan of Quorn, I would recommend this product for throwing at annoying breakfast guests or for using as ear plugs at a shitty concert, but I would not recommend them for human consumption. Yes, eventually as a vegan you'll want to go soy-free and be better than al the other vegans for doing it, but I would say keep it real and go for Boca's sausage links instead. Then bake them inside croissants with a little maple syrup and forget you ever tried the Quorn version.

Trader Joe's Vegan Mozzarella

Are you ready to try the worst tasting shitty excuse for vegan cheese you've ever had in your life? 

No? Then avoid this awful crap and don't let the Trader Joe's logo fool you into thinking it's not from the deep cave of shit it came from.

Seriously, worst vegan cheese ever created. It was probably made from some scientist who hates vegans so much the he created the worst vegan cheese ever to turn them back to dairy whores.

It literally turned into plastic on top of the pizza i tried to make. plastic! so gross.

PROS                            CONS
Affordable                      turns into plastic when heated
Pre-shredded                   tastes like burned plastic
looks like cheese             smells like plastic


VERDICT: Unless you really hate yourself or the person you're cooking for, then avoid this shitty excuse for mozzarella. You're better off putting cat turds on your pizza. That's right, cat turds.

Beyond Meat- Grilled Chicken

I had the displeasure of trying Beyond Meat's Grilled Chicken strips. I love fake chicken, like a lot! I've tried most of them on the market over the past 15 years so I know a little something about a little something and I know these are terrible. The textures ruins it completely.

I threw these away after two bites.

PROS                           CONS

look like chicken         rubbery texture
easy to use                   blah taste
                                     pricey



VERDICT: I would not recommend these. They just aren't good. For a better alternative go with Quorn. They have my all-time favorite chicken breasts and chicken nuggets. They do use egg whites in some of their products though, but if you want fake chicken that tastes good, looks good, and is as close to chicken as you're gonna find, then Quorn is the way to go.

Victoria Vegan Alfredo Sauce

I got this at Sprouts for a whopping $7 a jar. Considering the price I thought it would be amazing. I mean, finally a vegan alfredo sauce, right?! Wrong!

This is hands down the most disgusting sauce, vegan or not, I have ever tried.

It was so bad in fact that I wrote Sprouts a letter suggesting they stop selling this crap, and I wrote the company a letter advising them to change their recipe. It's that bad! Sprouts offered to refund my money. Victoria Vegan declined to respond. 

PROS                                                                      CONS

comes in a jar                                                           tastes like sour socks

can use it to make shitty dinner for                          expensive

someone you want to scare off                                 gross slimy consistency

label has a weirdly erotic photo of a woman            tastes nothing like alfredo, like at all

VERDICT: Write your local congressman to dispose of this crap. Just kidding. Don't buy it though. For real. avoid like the plague. 

Daiya Cheezy Mac- White Cheddar Veggie

Today I tried the Daiya's new product- Daiya Cheezy Mac- White Cheddar Style Veggie. Being a kid of the 90s and growing up on Kraft Mac n Cheese, I was initially excited to see a vegan version that might be a win.

The box contains a bag of noodles with dried up veggie pieces in it and a bag with the creamy sauce, making it more like Velvet Shells than Kraft Mac n Cheese.

PROS                                  CONS

easy to make                        tastes like shit (what little taste it does have)

Vegan                                   bland/Flavorless

three flavors available          weird consistency- like someone jizzed on your noodles

a platform to build on          $5 per box!

                                             high calorie content at almost 1,000 calories per box

VERDICT: I threw out most of this. Would not buy it again. Would not advise you buy it unless you want a simple platform to add a ton of seasoning and shit to.